So you’re thinking of moving to Portland? You say you’re from a boring “normal” place like Chicago, Paducah or Boise? Or maybe you are just on your way to Vegas and wanna have a little fun?! This is the place for you!
You look like a nice person. Tell you what I’ll do; I’ll be your very own personal Portland tour guide! The first thing you need to do is buy one of these:
All real Portlanders carry these in case of emergency. We keep our flasks stowed in our garter belts.
Portland is really nice. Oh, put on your hoodie. What?! You only have an umbrella?! Throw that away before you get us kicked out!
Where was I? Oh yeah, Portland is really nice. Look- a free box!
Whazzat!? They don’t have free boxes in Boise?! Yer kidding me, right? OK, the idea is that you take something out, and add something into the freebox, so that people can share cool, innovative shizznit with each other locally, in a totally free environment! Whazzat!? That makes no sense?! Better take a little nip out of your PDX flask.
OK, that’s better. Go ahead- look inside!
Sure, go ahead, take another nip. Some local church probably put that in the box just to boost business. It’s called “social media”. We don’t have real Satanists here. No, really.
Like Boise, Portland is famous for it’s produce. There’s nothing like a fresh, raw rosetater! Careful of the thorns. Hey, you better slow down on that hooch!
No, it’s not entirely abnormal to see dancing, psychedelic, headbanging Twinkies here. Not at all.
Portland is full of talented gardening musicians.
We love to ride bikes, re-use, and recycle things too!
Yes, this is a typical neighborhood. Why?
People just like to have birds living in their yards, that’s all. Chill!
You don’t look so good. Maybe we need to get you some real Portland coffee to sober you up. I know just the place! They roast their own beans every day! Remember their name, it’s Heart.
Their beans are the best; fresh, real, live shizzle yo! Whazzat!? It means that it’s really, really good and locally roasted.
Hey, this is just what you need, a quadruple espresso and some live music- on vinyl! Punk rock!
Whoa! Check out their art work! No, I told you, some church put it in there.
You wanna what?! Do I know what?! No, I don’t know where the bus station is. Maybe you could bike back to Boise. You need one of these:
Look, I am not taking you to the freaking bus station. It’s getting late. Listen, I’ll drop you off at the mayor’s house. He’s very plugged in. Maybe he can help you out. Later.
*Kram Namloc has retired from his position as Official Personal Portland Tour Guide to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming himself. No scene depicted in this blog was altered in any form. The scenes depicted here really exist. A real homeless dude builds those traveling bike shelters. He even lives in one. I have recieved no monies for this blog and if I did it was not from Mayor Sam “Beelzebub” Adams, honest.
